Demyx's Journal
by Turanlady
Summary: Ever thought that Demyx might not just be a happy-go-lucky nobody who has no idea what he's doing? This is his story...his philosophy on life and hearts...


_**Demyx's Journal:** **An insight on how our melodious nocturne really looks at life... he's not as dumb or daft as people say he is...**_

It's a truly terrifying experience to enter a dark unknown place and have no knowledge of who you are, where you might fit in.

I was shaking and remembered feeling horribly embarrassed as to where I could go.

Maybe it was a mistake. I knew it was really my only option other than ultimate death, fading into nothingness…

But the others are so… demanding, stuck up or just outright mean.

Then of course, they have no hearts… no emotions. Neither do I, or so I was told.

Another mistake. Allowing my heart to fall so deep, right into the clutches of darkness and the no longer dormant embodiment of that strength.

My heartless.

I have no orientation of where I am, or just what part the organization expects me to play.

The superior should have acknowledged the plain fact that I do not wish to fight. Only to retrieve my heart.

Yet the bastard says that in order to earn it, I have to fight for it, for my right to have a heart.

Then again… what is a heart? Why is it so important to us?

In my simple perspective, it is the channel and basis of our emotions.

I can no longer feel the music when it flows from my sitar. Sure, I remember and memorize the notes I'm supposed to know in order to produce a known tune, but its not the same as letting emotions run free and wild, like the movement of schools of fish as they lazily drift through the currents of the ocean.

I've realized, in my short time as a nobody, you need to have raw emotions in order to compose music. Without one, you cannot honestly understand or value the other.

I have not been able to write any new music without a heart. I try, but cannot even start.

I feel as good as dead.

Truth be told, I remember the feeling of sadness, and have thus gone into the almost ludicrous stage of "heartless depression".

It seems rather laughable and impossible, doesn't it?

I'm even laughing as I write this, Tis yet another strange thing, for someone with no emotions to be laughing even at such a thing.

How can a musician, or anyone for that matter, be creative if they have no heart?

All the other members of the organization shrug off my words, and my undoubtedly pitiful attempts at convincing myself that we do have hearts.

I truly believe we still possess hearts. But the darkness that overwhelmed (and still has a grasp) on us has cut off all connection that these precious life forces had with the rest of us.

I find it incredibly difficult to convince myself otherwise, Myde having been such a solid believer in what seemed right and wrong.

Xemnas' plan to claim Kingdom Hearts as his own is both selfish and unclear.

Why he would need the entirety of the mysterious entity is beyond me, my understanding.

And using an innocent teenager to collect hearts with no other option for him… its just plain selfish.

But the superiors explain that I am also in on this act. And maybe I've just fully realized that.

I don't want to have to fight. Its just not in Myde's nature.

The unfortunate thing? The poor boy was easily manipulated. Maybe that's why I don't want to be turned into a dusk or another lowly nobody…

I'm afraid of being manipulated, yet they've manipulated me to be in this organization. I'm laughing once again. I just said I was afraid, in my acknowledgement of my own selfishness.

Isn't fear an emotion? Truth be told, I'm not quite sure what an emotion is, or my place in this "life" anymore.

As Zexion once said to me over a cup of hot chocolate, long before he passed from this life, we are only the scraps and remains of some human pathetic enough to lose their heart.

Perhaps that's why we nobodies aren't accepted in the order of things. We're the pathetic result of a mistake.

Perhaps that's the reason why we're all destined to die away into nothingness, our false chances of regaining a heart being that only.

Xemnas is ordering me to go face the keybearer once again. And somehow, I get the feeling I'm not going to see this place, or any others, anymore.

Maybe this is my time to disappear… to be lost in the realm of naught forever.


End file.
